The Absolutely True Story of the Arcane Berchtesgaden Expedition For Nazi Gold At The Eagle's Nest During the Apocalypse Storm
Securing my permanent canonization in the ledger of ultimate badass action heroes
PART ONE
5 Years. I have left the service, honorable discharge. I am planning to live alone in the mountains. It’s quiet and I have animals with me but something is missing. 10 years. I have been alone in the mountains too long. Frequently talk to myself. Felt I should have done more when I was younger. I don’t know what. More adventure. See more of the world. 20 years. I’m getting too old for adventures. I never really did anything. I had my moments. Missed my boat. 40 years. I get pretty lonely on the mountain, even with my dog. The hardest nights, I realize I no longer care even about my regrets.
Honestly, it’s a miracle I didn’t manage to kill myself. I think about it all these years later and I conclude it was a manifestation of the madness only young men display.
Nowadays, this story would be proof of toxic masculinity and the fact that testosterone is a dangerous hormone that needs to be carefully regulated by the government for the good of all mankind. At least, if you listened to them about masculinity that’s what they’d conclude.
This is a simple story of high adventure that is really about pornography and prostitution, a lost generation of men, the madness of the Third Reich and just maybe the only woman I ever met that was not a shill on a payroll working for someone.
It’s also a story about a really, really good day I had in an otherwise pathetic and sad life with almost no happy days in it. I basically got to larp Stallone’s CLIFFHANGER for one day and my performance was way better. Siskel & Ebert gave it two thumbs up. “Cleve Blakemore’s sheer energy in this role makes the whole adventure seem over too quickly. He excels as the crazy American soldier determined to find Nazi treasure artifacts during his one day vacation to Berchtesgaden and he has to contend with a killer badger who thinks it is Hitler, thousand foot drops and a lightning storm that almost destroyed the entire mountain. It’s non-stop action with man versus nature, man versus himself, man versus God. I was cheering when the credits came up. Best action movie since FIRST BLOOD. Stay for the post-credits scene, it’s worth it. I can’t wait for the sequel.”
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